Divorce Recovery Newsletter #74, 7/23/07

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The Most Miserable Day Of Your Life

All of us going through a divorce suffer and go through some pain in the process.

True, some more than others, which we will get into at another time. We can just visualize your quota of pain you have to go thru and experience and tell you that you can ration it out to make it more tolerable, and take a "little pain" for a very long time or you can really get into some devastating almost unbearable pain for a short time and get it over with.

If you go to your Doctor and tell him this divorce pain, is just too much "give me something" to make it bearable. He will, and certainly the pain will be less but it will likely hang around for a very long time.

If however you decide you are tough and can handle pain, and want to get it over with and get on with life.....then consider deliberately planning and setting up,

"The Most Miserable Day of Your Life"

• Send the kids to grandmas,
  
• Take the day off.
  
• Take the phone off the hook.
  
• Stock up on Kleenex
  
• Dig out all your wedding pictures
  
• Lay out all the love letters you got.
  
• Start early, make it a full day.
  
• Get out the vacation and travel photos you enjoyed together.
  
• All the photos of you both together with the new babies.
  
• The holiday and family pictures.

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #73, 12/16/06

When you become involved in the divorce process it seems like your life has gotten to where you have next to no control of your own destiny..

If you turned your divorce over to an attorney that is almost the case. It is all very frustrating you find that almost nothing you can do right or say right now is going to change much on when and if the future direction of your life is to be determined.

It is this "out of your control" part of the divorce process that adds so much to the emotional adjustment.

In the past we have often suggested considering doing your own divorce and instead of "turning over" your divorce to where it becomes "theirs" you pay by the hour and hire legal help to do parts such as filing papers etc if you feel unqualified or need clarification on legal questions.

It is then still "your divorce" and you still 100% control it.

The schedule and the divorce itself then is controlled by you and if some part you are unable to do yourself or want done will be done on your schedule, not on when someone else feels like getting around to it, and only their way, if at all.

This legal aspect is another subject, not what the newsletter is about today, (though it is deeply tied to your emotional well being) and I suggest you read up on this in our legal section of our web site, those articles are pretty much tied together by reference.

When your world seems out of your control your life becomes "miserable", you become self obsessed and become inactive.

When you become inactive, physically you become depressed and you get into a self defeating downward spiral.

You become stressed in this divorce process and as a result of stress your immune system shuts down and you become fair game for all sorts of illness which in turn adds further to your downward spiral.

Some of the disease and illness may not show up for six months, but statistics show you are more then twice as likely to have an accident, and more then twice as likely to come down with a major illness such as cancer and/or die in the next year then if you had not had this major stress in your life.

If they had just not, then I would not have all this, and on and on.

Just as the problem with a divorce attorney, giving control over to them, you have to take back control of your life from your STBX.

If your STBX (soon to be ex) can do something today to make you unhappy, then you have continued to give control of your life to your STBX.

Happiness is an option, and you should decide who controls your happiness and it should be you. Your STBX can only make you unhappy if you give them permission.

Say that, how my day goes, is no longer controlled by my STBX. They do not control me and I do not control them, that is history.

I now control my own life and I am the one that can actually decide whether to be happy or not, I no longer let my STBX decide or determine that for me.

Happier people are much healthier, they are more successful, harder-working, caring, and over all much more socially engaged.

That is where I have decided to go.

My STBX in contrast can be as miserable for as long as they like, none of my business or concern. I no longer have any interest in any way of controlling that plus or minus.

After the divorce, I personally tried the "being miserable" you can say, got tired of it and I have now given up on that, it does not work.

Therefore I have now "decided" to learn how to be happy. and I am practicing and getting better at it every day.

Deliberately plan to be and show you are grateful to the people still in your life and around you. (you will enlarge the group soon)

Cut out perfectionism, as no one in this wonderful world of ours is perfect.

We have an article, which boils the secret lf learning to be happy to basically learning to give up on "expectations and demands". Learn how to change these to "preferences". I no longer insist or demand something happen a certain way or my day is ruined.

I no longer insist Junior get all A's on his report card. Prefer that he does, but if not it is okay.

Take time to help others, even those who are having a worse time then you with their divorce, anyone who needs help of any kind, get involved outside of yourself.

Forget regrets, forget what was or should have been, stay in the present and constantly reassess your priorities.

We call it give up on the what wases...and put all your attention and energy in the nows and making the gonna be's terrific.

Spend some time with other people...stop being alone all the time. Divorce recovery groups, go shopping with someone, any reason at all, purposely schedule, talk to and get out with others

You have been saving for a rainy day, this is it.

Schedule something to look forward to, a trip you always wanted to take or something you always wanted to do.

Spend some money on yourself and treat yourself exceptionally well right now, it is far cheaper then doctor bills.

How would you finance the medical bills and off work time? Use the same method, this will cost less.

Schedule some daily down time regularly to relax, work on a hobby or meditate. (learn mediation etc)

Figure out how to get some laughs in your life every day, it is essential therapy.

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #72, 10/23/06

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This Divorce Recovery 101 Newsletter is sent only to those who subscribe. To subscribe or unsubscribe, see below.

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Many newsletters arrive in my mailbox on many different subjects and it always irritates me when writers go on and on as to why their newsletter is late with a whole list of excuses and apologies.

Getting those irritates me, as a waste of my reading time, just get on with the newsletter.

However, today I am never the less going to give you my excuse, as to why I have not posted many new articles as usual nor have I been able to keep up timely newsletters.

Diabetes hit me at 76, and sort of disabled me for a while. I set all out to research how to keep diabetes from killing me (and others) and as a result of that research and self survival effort, I started a Diabetes newspaper and web sites to share what was "saving me".

(I now have my diabetes about 90% under control. without any medication etc.)

If you are a diabetic, (20% of population now are diabetic,) (was about 1% at turn of the century) you may find some of my research helpful and may even save or prolong your life.

Diabetes is an affliction you actually accumulate and the long term build up suddenly appears mainly late in life.. An additional estimated 10% of the population already have it and do not even know it, so beware, you may have it.

The last two months I have been researching what kills diabetics. (your life expectancy is cut in half).

Turns out it is not diabetes. 80% of Americans and 86% of diabetics die of degenerative diseases, which are diseases where you literally are killing yourself.

It is the result of this research and study, that I want to share with you since it may help save your life to understand this killer that I have spent months unraveling.

Go here

Our main diabetes web site is http://diabetescure101.com You might even want to subscribe to our diabetes newspaper, which I write 100% and covers what I have found to "fix" my diabetes.

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Found the following new divorce article (wrote in 2003) and posted it recently and I think you might find it helpful in your getting on with a new life.

The most devastating part of the divorce process, I always thought was the feeling your life was "out of control".

That no matter what you did you felt like you could not influence, direct or control it. Very, very upsetting and frustrating.

One of these out of control parts of your life in the process it occurred to me was you turning your divorce over to an attorney.

This for many turns out to be a necessary or almost necessary evil, that I found might be bent a little.

When you turn your divorce "over" by hiring an attorney you lose control. Now it becomes very frustrating because you are now totally at his or her whim. They do things, what and if they feel like it. it is now "their divorce" they own and control it.

What goes and when, now legal wise has become 99% out of your control.

Do it yourself divorce, you may be more inept, but you make the decisions as to when to act and as to what. Not nearly as maddening. (less crazy making)

You can hire a attorney to do parts of your divorce, (such as do the paper work) (advise you as to what to do etc) you do not have to "turn it over" to them, to where it becomes...."their divorce".

Wrote on that elsewhere which is posted on our legal section of the divorce web site so will say no more on that other then to think about that "life is out of my control" aspect of turning your divorce "over" to someone else totally.

Here is my new posting, (came across it, had written it in 2003 and never posted.) on sorting out what you have control of in your life and what you do not. Go here

In our classes we always handed out to everyone at some point a personal copy of the Serenity Prayer. Here it is....

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

The last line is the most important to get straight in your head, and is basically learning to "give up" and let go of what you no longer have any control of.

The hardest part to give up may well be "any remaining control" you think you should still have of your ex.

We keep telling you...throw in the towel...let em go..that is history...what was...water over the dam etc.

They are now just another person you encountered on your way down life's road.

When you do that and literally say "goodbye" it is like getting out of the muck, turning a corner, and heading down a new brighter road.

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If you attended my classes and would like to know what I look like now (30 years later) or have always wondered what the guy looks like that writes all this stuff...click here

A photographer came by and took some pictures for an article about me in the Chicago Tribune. (not appeared yet) and left me these photos he took so I share them with you.

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #71, 09/26/06

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The Coming Apart Process, (Dance)

Most coming apart after years of marriage are very long, difficult and tedious.

In contrast if your ex left, let you know positively they were gone for good, it was a shock, but they did it right.

The problem is that is not the way most do it. One of you often get into something else going temporary or whatever that is really just a symptom that your relationship has died for that person.

Then that is not where its at so they say they want "to work it out". (back up in case the next one they have their eye on does not work out either.)

The leavor, does not have the courage to split clean and everybody get on with life.

They string you along, because they do not want any more hassle then necessary right now.

Never have I run into anyone that said to me I never should have left, I should have tried one more time....after they have gotten on with life....

They say, almost everyone, I wasted a good part of my life in the pits not knowing if my life was coming or going.

I should have moved on and cut it off and got on with life, the minute I had a clue it was over.

Okay, so heresy the scoop. If your marriage does not work out ( and right now it is obvious to even an idiot it is not) you get divorced.

Pay attention now....lets say you made a mistake, got a divorce and your life is not working and you think I should "have tried harder" or "one more time".

Get this..... when your divorce doesn't work out...you can get remarried for Ten bucks.

I see a lot of people that are so used to a relationship, that even though it is killing them...they can not stand being a part.

So they go back and try it again and again. Each time they remember why it was they came a part in the first place and split again.

Some couples I have seen do this as much as four times before they succeed in getting apart. That is what I call the coming apart dance.

Lets face it, it is over and you know it is over. Face reality, deal with it head on....right now.....

Simple formula. Decide you are cutting off all contact with your ex, for three months. (refuse to talk about anything, other then arrangements on the children. Anything else you will cut off the conversation or phone call etc immediately.

Explain this to your ex...do not say I think maybe....say my sanity and getting on with life I HAVE DECIDED for the next 90 days you are not to contact me.

At the end of the 90 days, I will inform you if I want to extend this for another 90 days or more or forever.

Any important contact with me, you will have to be thru my attorney or my sister or who ever you appoint.

Any divorce settlement offers etc. (if you are not using an attorney) will need to be in writing and mailed to you.

Here after refer to them when discussing with others as "My Ex" even though the divorce is not final. They are no longer your spouse. You have ENDED that.

Legal papers follow.

This will quiet down all the butterflies in your stomach and hereafter they will fly in formation. You will not believe all the good this simple change will make in your life.

It will do more for your life then $2,000 dollars worth of therapy.

You have been removed from "Crazy Making" and returned to sanity.

You now have a goal. Getting on with life. Tonight, you sit down with a tablet and start the outline for the script.

Across the Top Of the page, write "Your life ACT TWO."

Subhead:
What I am beginning to see I want to have happen in Act Two.

Make no small plans.... In future issues we will tell you how to make it happen....

How others have done it....and....you can too.

Right now all you have to do is deicide what you want to have happen in act two and get it written down where you can see it.

Remember, a year from now I expect you to write me and tell me your divorce was the "best thing" that ever happened to you.

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Go here http://singlestalkshop.com and start a conversation or join in an ongoing divorce support group discussion. This is Harlan's Single Talkshop chat room "Talk It Out Therapy" and is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost.

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Ready to consider start dating again? Get up to speed. Go here: http://datingagain101.com

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Send this newsletter to a divorcing friend. Every little bit helps.

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #70, 07/10/06

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This newsletter is sent Free only to Divorce Recovery 101 subscribers. To subscribe or unsubscribe see below.

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Some of our readers may be past the "shock" of splitting and are busy getting on with life. Please forward this issue to a newly divorced acquaintance or friend that can use a little help and understanding. We will be back taking up your position in future issues.

Getting Past The Trauma And Shock Of Divorce.

It makes little difference whether you are the leavor or the leavee, ending a long term relationship ending takes some mental processing.

What the leavee does not understand is that very often the leavor has been processing this idea of splitting for months or even years.

The leavee in contrast is often surprised and even shocked to learn of it and has to start processing what has happened from scratch.

Therefore do understand your STBE (soon to be ex) if the leavor, has an advantage, in that they have already "adjusted" of the idea of coming apart, if they are the leavor since they did not leave on the spur of the moment even though it may appear that way) they have thought about it for some time.

What I am bringing up to you is that you need to catch up on adjusting to the idea of the relationship ending if you are the leavee, and if you are the leavor you will better understand that your STBE needs time to adjust, since you have a head start on processing the concept of being apart.

By the way, to keep track of this leavor and leavee thing, the "or" added on to a word, is the one that does it to you, the "ee" is the one it is done to.
Example: Leasor; is the person that leases it to you and the leasee is the one that gets the lease.

Processing The Surprise Long Term Ending.

As a normal "go thru the pain process" it can take a full two years for you to fully accept what has happened to you, deal with reality and get on with a new and better life.

We say life is too short, you should not waste a second longer then necessary to work thru and move on and get past this.

Sure, you do indeed, "deserve" to be miserable for a while, you earned it. Look what they did to you etc, etc.

Okay, you want to impress your STBE what a bad thing and how terrible a blow it was, how unfair and undeserved their leaving and how badly it "hurt you."

How you did everything wonderful, were a model spouse, and everyone should know it was not your fault, you were caught totally unaware etc.

That if you promptly adjusted and got on with a new and better life, without this big display of how miserable you were made by this action the friends would all think it was your idea and your fault, so you have to put on this big "I really got hurt" by this.

Sort of an expected accepted "divorce mourning" procedure, like the widow should wear black for two years to show how important life together as a team was to you and a respect for "what was".

The First Step In Processing The Pain

First of all, the main problem I see is that many get hung up in the first stage.

They do not deal with reality.
The will use excuses to postpone dealing with the truth of the matter, like.....

Maybe they just need breathing room, they will come to their senses and come back.

The STBX said last week, blah blah, which sounds like if this doesn't work out, maybe they will be back.

This is a result of their trying to ease you down gently and leave you "hope" as better then nothing, (actually it is far worse) instead of having the guts to being honest with you.

That is where you are kidding yourself.
You can never put humpty dumpty back together again, what "was" is over.

It does not matter if it takes you two years to realize and figure that out or two minutes it is still over. So do not waste months to wake up and deal with reality.

You have better things to do then beat on a dead horse hoping it will come back to life.

Bury it and move on, before it really starts to smell up your life.

How long you muck around with this, is how long it is going to take for you to get over and process your divorce and move on to the bigger and better next phase of Act 2 of your life.

You just graduated from, and the curtain just came down on Act One.

Second Step Is Realize It Is A Process.

There are steps you go thru and one thing to realize is that you normally want to keep right on repeating and doing what is "familiar".

Your life is basically a series of living habits. When you can no longer do what you have always done, it is very upsetting.
You are here now, going to be basically changing your overall lifestyle. You would have kept on doing what you have always done.

Now with divorce, you "have to change".
You are angry because you did not want to be "made" to change.

Therefore we say you need to look at your life and make some changes and improvements that you likely should have made years ago but did not do so because of habit, you tended to want to keep doing what you have always done.

Looking back a year from now with your new lifestyle improvements, we want you to be able to say, my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Sounds crazy now but here you are close to zero, you can change and go any direction with your life you like.

You will make many improvements that you would not have otherwise made.

Choose wisely, make no small plans.

The process of working thru and accepting what has happened to you is getting rid of the trauma that is sitting as a "big unprocessed lump" in your operating system processing room.

This visualization I list here helps you understand you have to work on this lump of unresolved divorce trauma, and get it to go away so it does not interfere with your processing your new life.

The way you do that is to deal with it.
Ignoring it is a mistake. Undisolved, it will affect and hamper the rest of your life's decisions and actions.

There are two ways to sort this malignant lump out and file it away harmlessly in your big processing room.

We have many articles on this and suggest you read thru them.

Number One, Talk It Out.

You need to hear yourself talk about what has happened to you. Every time you talk about it, another little part of the "unresolved blob'"makes sense and if is filed away.

It makes no difference whether you pay a pro counselor or you talk to friend or even a stranger.

Talk it out with all of them, that will help. You need to talk it out.

This is one of the reasons attending a divorce group, if operated correctly, is important. You get to talk it out.

You may need to talk about it, let us say 800 times to resolve it and file it away harmlessly, as an example.

When there is really no part of it you need to talk about any more, then you have "adjusted" to the end of your marriage and the affect of divorce.

The blob has been sorted out and filed harmlessly away.

Today I Want To Add In Journaling As Method Number Two To Resolve (or disolve) The Interfering Remaining Blob.

An unresolved blob means to your survival system that you are in danger, you are in new uncharted territory. This is what is known as STRESS.

Stress is a large part of the reason why most chronic illness develops.

If you read our articles on the subject you will find your chances of coming down with a major illness after a major traumatic even (stress) such as divorce are much greater than normal.

We suggest you treat yourself better then normal to prevent any major medical events and most of all work thru the unresolved "blob" as fast as you can so your body no longer operates in the "stress" mode.

There are many methods we suggest to overcome stress (including talking it out) and just one of the powerful interventions for stress is prayer.

If you do not have access to some advanced psychotherapy interventions you will find a written form of prayer called "journaling" very helpful, not only for working thru your divorce but for handling life in general.

This is where you write or type non-stop every day in your "journal" for about 30 minutes.

It is a long term proven powerful and profound healing technique. It is not necessary for you to save the written information and can delete or burn the document after it is written so you will feel free to write down whatever is concerning you (without worrying that someone else may see it).

When you talk it out you hear yourself talk about how you feel about it etc, and it is processed.

When you journal it, you see in writing what you think about something and it is then processed.

That is why it is not important to save it. It is in the writing it out that the help comes in making sense of it and processing what has happened to you and moving on past it.

Either way works and there is no reason you can not use both to speed the process.

Remember, you can do nothing and stay in your "poor me" position for a couple of years, or you can move on down the road, get on with a new second chance for a great life in a short time.

Waste no time. Make big plans and move on to bigger and better, but you do have to work at it. It is a "do it yourself" project.

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Send this newsletter to a friend going thru divorce. Suggest they subscribe free for their own copy each issue.

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #69, 06/05/06

DO YOUR FRIENDS FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AND YOUR DIVORCE?

Well, many of your married friends do not know how to handle it.....

Do they call and say (some do) "sorry to hear about your getting a divorce".

Many of your married friends handle it like you handle a friend that is dying...you should go see them but you just don't know how to handle it so you just keep putting it off.... and then before you know it,......it is too late.

or .....

Many of your married friends feel what you have may be catching so if they do not deal with it maybe it will just go away...

You feel these married friends now ignoring you are like rats deserting a sinking ship....who needs em...

People that desert you just at the time of the greatest need in your life to have friends, these could not have been true friends you think... so the married friends literally evaporate.

Nobody seems to really care that you are devastated... Not even your ex. You try over and over to impress them how badly they hurt you....

Not impressed .....just keep right on doing their new thing....

They just did not leave right.... Life is not fair....and splitting up is never fair....

Nobody ever leaves a marriage right....they have no experience and did not buy the "leave right" book.

Nobody including your ex...comes out of a divorce emotionally scott free... and none ever do leave right...so do not expect yours should have, they did not know how...if there is a right way to leave.

but this is not a contest..over who is or turns out to be the most miserable....

Once in a blue moon, you hear from a friend that says... glad to hear about your divorce. You should have gotten out of that marriage years ago...

That is pretty rare.... and then you go to one of my classes and this guy is cold hearted non compassionate...

he says.... I assume you have completed your two allotted days to be really miserable, that is why you came to the class. Life is too short to waste any more time on it, then that....

If you have not...go home...spend a day digging out all your love letters, the wedding pictures...everything... stop taking your tranquilizers...

Now get ready for the most miserable day of your life. take the phone off the hook....don't answer the door.... go thru all this stuff...all day long...do nothing else, get into being really really angry and miserable...why me... cry, beat the wall, proclaim life is just not fair..etc.

do the whole thing..... don't miss any little detail you are angry or crushed about...

Get it over with..... about four in the afternoon...you will say to hell with this...

this is not getting me anywhere.... I am done with this being miserable business..

That is the day.....your "GRADUATE" from your starter marriage.

You shut the door to what was...

and for the first time you can move on to the bigger and better.....

and you open a new door to the... Wow Nows and........ the Great Gonna Be's.........

Your problem is you have been dribbling out the miserables.... You have been just a little miserable and angry about your divorce for a long time.....

The solution..... take a day off and really get into it...

have..... THE MOST MISERABLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE.....

and .... get it over with.

What I was really searching for was a way to help others work thru your divorce in a short time.. I noticed that some people that were in my classes did it in a short time, that actually had a really devastating situation, and others that had a rather unemotional come a part situation took up to two years to get back to anything like a normal life.

Noticed that those on tranquilizers, a prescription that their doctor used to "fix" their divorce and get them out his office in 15 minutes... (doctors never try to cure any illness, they just treat symptoms...)

I noticed early on......... that those on tranquilizers seemed to not progress thru the recovery process...they seemed frozen in the, "well, I can tolerate it stage."

After observing this sort of thing I figured out there were two ways...be a little angry and miserable for a long time...or be really miserable and get it over with.

Ready to move on....

The other part of this formula that worked...is you think you have to completely process what has happened to you in your big processor... If you have it tied up processing over and over this no solution...(what went wrong problem) where there is no answer, you can not handle life....

Your processor is overwhelmed with an insolvable, problem it runs literally night and day and is getting nowhere and your life is not workable in the meantime.

Give up.....you are processing a worthless no answer problem...if you were a genius... you can not solve this problem...

GIVE UP...on the what wases.......that does not matter... even if you could solve it the solution is of no consequence anyway..

You are never going to go thru that part of your life again... done with ..history...waste of time rehashing...you can not learn a thing...the next chapter is entirely different....

You need 100% of your mental processor time to analyze and research, find your options and chose wisely, and clarify what decisions...you need to make immediately to have Wow Nows and for Great Gonna Bes.

Do not waste another minute analyzing the "What wases."

By the way....

Congratulations on successfully "graduating" from your "starter" marriage and moving on to a bigger and better life.

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #68, 03/18/06

1. Writing a short course, "Divorce Recovery in a nutshell" is our aim here.

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Every issue however we have new readers, many just newly divorced and in writing a newsletter we have a problem of not boring the well along with their adjustment folks when we write primarily for those still in the crying early stages of their divorce.

Divorce can be a turning point in many lives, where you are brought up short and take inventory of your life, and say, hey do I need to keep going the same direction my life was going and try and go back an repeat what I had, or is this a chance to re-evaluate what is important and just perhaps this is a one chance to go a whole new direction that you never thought possible before.

What I try to do in newsletters is bring up what seems to be gaps in what you are picking up from our web site. Actually, we have covered a great deal in 35 years of writing on the subject and about a third of it is posted. We may get back to posting more but the last 9 months, I have been devoting much of my time researching and trying to survive diabetes, just like once (twice actually) I was researching trying to figure out how to best survive and move on to a better life after divorce.

Now, I have a website and newspaper on "curing" diabetes. (curing mine, is my goal) they say it is uncureable. When I started in the divorce thing I was sort of classed as evil, helping out and encouraging people who were getting a divorce and destroying holy marriage vows. Anybody that did that was a "bad" person. Divorcing people should be punished and made as miserable as possible was common thinking.

Now my website on diabetes and newspaper report on any cures or basically again like in divorce, "what works" in getting past it. Anyone that uses the word "cure" in regard to diabetes is considered a "charlatan" out to take advantage of the public.

No media will as a result carry a press release on the very existance of a newspaper devoted to a "cure" for diabetes. You are ostrasized. No established diabetes traditional web site will link to my web site. With no links verifying my site is an important source of information for diabetes, search engines put you far down the list in searches and you get practically no referrals.

This is what divorce work used to be like, it has gotten a lot better. It is now "okay" to be divorced. In fact if you are 30 and never married, (at least once) you are suspect. A divorce is sort of a reference. You had or were able to maintain at least one relationship for some time.

You are no longer considered "damaged goods". You have likely "grown" as a person, and the former relationship, right for you years ago has been "outgrown". You are ready for "bigger and better" and you are "moving on". You are expanding your options.

Actually, you may not have volunteered for this moving on thing.....but the more you think about it, sounds like a good idea.

Therefore it is now "respectable" for me to help you here to "move on" to bigger and better.

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2. Our Divorce Web Site Needs To Be Better Organized, and Easier To Find What You Need At The Moment

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The search the entire site, feature on the home page http://divorcerecovery101.com helps but even I can not find what I am looking for sometimes, even though I know it is posted.

There are several series which help for someone new and I suggest to get from a bad place in your divorce to a good place in a shorter time, that you go thru the "Starting Over" Series as probably our best organized part of our site.

Not always our best final word on some subjects but the best organized.

Now, most people work thru their divorce over time, and many just go back and rerun their previous married life with a fresh partner and often wind up back here again, now completely convinced there is something wrong with them.

My goal has been to offer "hope" of a better life soon, and to get you there in the shortest possible time. I noticed right off that it was a great waste of using up the best years of your life being "miserable" as a result of a death of a relationship.

To do this I try to help you get you to take and develop a personal responsibility for your life success, not depending on 'being rescued" from the "miserables.

When your life success and happiness is under your control, no one can run off with it.

They can only "add to it".

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3. Divorce Recovery 101.com Is Designed As A Road Map To Get From The Worse Time Of Your Life To The Best Time Of Your Life

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We encourage you to use and refer to it like a map on a regular basis to keep you from wondering off on detours that can hold you up in getting on with your new life.

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4. Visit Our Newsletter Archives"

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Our newsletter archives contain every article, including every adjustment tip, trick, and technique, that we have revealed to our subscribers since we started the newsletter in April of 02. Over 68 newsletters so far.
Now obviously, our more recent articles contain our latest, most recently tested, most cutting-edge "moving on from divorce" strategies.

However, this wealth of "adjusting to becoming suddenly single" knowledge and expertise is still highly recommended reading!

All the concepts, "work through this in a shorter time with less pain" techniques, and step-by-step instructions you'll find make reading these back issues a simple, but extremely powerful way to give yourself an education in moving on, growing as a single person, and exploding your potential as a happy successful single person and doing it all on your very own, fast track.

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5. Send this newsletter to a friend

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Now you can help others that are going through the process. Feel free to forward a copy of this newsletter or any of our web site articles you think might help them in their current stage of the process. Many may not have web access or their ex took the only computer with them, so just print them out a copy.

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6. Tell Us What You Think!

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We would love to hear what you think of this newsletter, any of our web sites and this issue. And of course, if you have any suggestions for upcoming issues that you'd like to share with us, please send those, too!
Just e-mail the editor at: Harlanj-@webtv.net Please put the word "Divorce" in the subject line.

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7. Content for Your website or E-zine

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Need some fresh, zero cost, content for your website or e-zine? You now have permission to reprint any of the articles from http://divorcerecovery101.com and/or from this newsletter on your website or in your e-zine as long as:

a) Each article is printed in its full form with no changes.
b) You send a quick e-mail to Harlanjacobsen-@webtv.net to tell us exactly where you'll be publishing them.
c) You include the following byline at the end of each article: You can use as small a text as you like for this part.

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #67, 02/13/06

The Financial Pain Of Divorce

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Very often low finances were part of the problem in marital discord before it even got to divorce. Now with divorce in the picture we are potentially pouring gasoline on the financial flames.

Divorce can be the biggest financial disaster of your lifetime with neither spouse being a "winner", but both part of a financial catastrophe.

One of the reasons is one party or the other feels "betrayed" by some romance gone astray etc and will never trust them again on anything even though they are now trying to do the right thing in this coming apart process.

Or worse yet is trying to seek revenge by "taking everything they have" etc. This winds up with the revenge person shooting themselves in the foot so to speak. 

What happens often is the finances were not covering a one home situation adequately (quite often) and suddenly it is being expanded to support a two home situation. Needless to say there is going to have be some lowering of standard of living and it is always the other person that needs to lower it, not you.

This standard of living lowering is going to bring on some bitterness.

This is the overall atmosphere that brings us to "settling" your divorce. 

Actually, judges and attorneys are basically lazy... They would just as soon you settle it and just bring in what you have agreed on and have them look it over as sounding fair to both parties, sign it...and get you out of their hair, no hassle.

With the previous animosity hanging out there that is not likely or easy. 

However, if you get educated on the subject and not have all these wild ideas and misconceptions about the process ( and get your STBX to do so, we are half way there. (that stands for Soon To Be Ex-spouse in case your not yet on to divorce lingo)

We have written a lot on the subject and suggest you read every bit of it. 

What you do here at this point in your divorce can affect your life for years. Some want out so bad, they will agree to anything, just get this divorce over with. 

They regret that hasty decision or statement for years. Others are so afraid they are being taken advantage of they will agree to nothing reasonable or fair.

So we want to avoid those two extremes. This is why the more you understand the coming apart industry...( it is one ) the better off you will be.

If worse comes to worse here is a site I ran into that has a divider upper program that may work so keep that list printed out as one of your tools to help settle your divorce. (a copy for the STBX might be good too.) http://www.divorcehelp.com/shortcourse/C56.html

Now our site has a lot of articles on the divorce coming a part process and you might start here to review your options.

The divorce process itself does not do you as much emotional damage as the fear of what's around the corner you may get blind sided with that causes much of the emotional stress. Therefore by being fully aware of the process your fears are sort of done away with. 

http://divorcerecovery101.com/starve_lawyers.htm

We have at the bottom of each of our articles links to many more so you can go on down the list. We have a whole series and you can start with..... Legal Answers Not Always Solutions, Arithmetic Often Beats Legal Answers 
An article by an esteemed Guest Author, Anne Kass, - a retired District Judge of Albuquerque, New Mexico http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/kass33.html She has written many articles and we have posted her whole series and we consider them solid background for getting you up to speed in understanding the divorce industry operational system.

Should you date before your divorce is final? that's a question...read here http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/legal_hazards.html

The biggest point in your dating before the divorce is final, is sometimes this sets off an explosive hostility in getting your ex to agree to anything that has to do with moving the divorce along.

Other then that...personally I would say full speed ahead, but do read the article.

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Now we discovered in my classes on divorce that most either gained a lot of weight as a result of their divorce or some lost weight. 

I lost weight...in my splits...but I have not had a divorce or relationship break up for so long now I had gained 60 pounds. Also I got old... a very poor combination.

To make a long story short as a result was diagnosed with severe diabetes. Cut my life expectancy to six years over night.

Well as you know I did a crash program on learning how to recover from divorce and this one was even speedier. I have gone thru more information on the subject then almost anybody has done in a life time in the last 9 months. 

Just started on my 59th book and of course with the internet, reviewed hundreds of studies, opinions, advice etc.

Diabetes is supposedly "incurable". However my brother had it for five years including insulin injections and completely recovered and has no detectable signs of ever having had diabetes.

Anything my big brother could do I learned to do bigger and better so if he can do it so can i....Only thing is I have not figured out how yet for sure....

Progress so far...went off all medications in 45 days into...it ..controlling it with diet, exercise and food supplements. Lost 54 pounds and have only ten more to lose.

So if you are obese then you should read some of what I found out about that and what works. My diabetes web site is http://www.diabetescure101.com/ and also have a newspaper (costs for that one ) on the subject. If you have diabetes or have any love ones that are obese or have diabetes please have them take a look. We are hot after anything that works to eliminate our diabetes.

There are likely many of you that have weight problems (and divorce aggravated it) and will one day sort that out but the understanding that process is written up in the diabetes site because a big part of your getting diabetes is the extra fat around your waist and the cure is in part by getting rid of every bit of it.

Clue...men should have a waist under 42, and women under 35... above that and you are on the road to permanent diabetes that can and will kill you. 

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Hang in there...it is a lot easier when you have a road map. We are working on your road map every day. Remember and send this to any friend that is getting divorced (or has diabetes). Suggest they subscribe to this newsletter. It is free.

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Join others in the divorce process in our chat board, post room "Talk It Out Therapy" is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost. http://www.singlestalkshop.com

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #66, 12/29/05

     How I Got Into This Broke an arm skiing when I was a kid and remember that was the most painful thing I ever had happen to me.... Could not sleep etc it hurt so much....and this was after the Doctor did everything he was supposed to be able to do.

    Years later I got divorced and I thought...holy cow....this is worse then breaking your arm. The pain was unbearable. Lots of people learning how to fix...broken arms and the pain.... but no one knew how to fix divorce pain....

You just had to get thru it on your own. There was not even anyone around that knew anything about it to tell you how long it was going to be before the pain went away... was it always going to be like this?

You do not have to break an arm to learn how to fix a broken arm.

To help fix a broken heart from divorce, it does help to know what you are going thru. When you tell me about what you are going thru I understand it, because I have been there done that.

Everything I have learned about what works in 32 years in helping you get thru divorce is pretty well written down and I know it is hard to absorb it off the printed page when you are in this stage.

We have about 100 articles yet to post on the web...but hopefully you can pick up some help from what we have up.....read a little every day. http://www.divorcerecovery101.com

Yes it is important, I really hope you can find a divorce recovery support group somewhere in your area. Inquire at one of your larger churches...(any brand, do not be particular about this) and if they do not have one maybe they know of one they can refer you to.... also try divorce counselors secretary, call and say do you know of any divorce groups in this area etc.? Also call the research dept at your local library and ask if they can find you the nearest one. If a long ways a way...go anyway. Someone there will likely know of one closer to your home, but you have to start somewhere.

By now most of you know.....divorce is a roller coaster of feelings, one day you are feeling higher then a kite, you are out of what was a mess and not working and the next day you are depressed or maybe I should say the next hour you are depressed, you long for what was....On this roller coaster just understand the bumps get smaller and less and less over time...you just have to hang on.

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    Why didn't it last? It seems that many getting divorced feel they were betrayed, that the marriage was supposed to last forever and it did not.

All of the fairy tales. back then..they were married and rode off into the sunset and lived happily ever after.

That's right, they were just that, fairy tales... and when most of them were written their life expectancy was under 30 years. So forever was not all that long.

Now lets further discuss the forever thing" that comes in the marriage vow......Most had a bringing up with the fairy tales "that they lived happily ever after'....and the marriage vow written during the short "forever" era, was just one of the ways the expectancy became ingrained. That if it was not forever it was not any good.

If a marriage did not last forever it was assumed a betrayal of the marriage vows that said, "forever".

The fairy tales never said they lived happily for two years and then she ran off with the washing machine repairman....which was reality.

Not getting into the whole thing....you seeing all these other married couples that are still together, but many are still together that should be a part because the relationship has died.

The fact they are still together is misleading you into thinking they are all happily together. Dr. Ferson in San Francisco had his graduate students interview hundreds of couples who had made it to the 50 year anniversary.....as I recall, hoping to find the key to what made relationships last.

Turned out the couples were not what they appeared to be... something like 80% of them actually to a degree, hated each other and the interviewers were in shock.

So the happy couple you are envious about as the "still married" you are looking at as comparison are not necessarily really a happy relationship as you think it is...

They just have not had the guts to come a part, it appears.

One of the recent statistics I have recently seen, said the interviewers when one spouse interviewed said they were happily married, 27% had a spouse that said they were unhappily married...so these are probably next years divorces...

aha....you do not deal with death....one or the other is going to have to deal with that...some several times...the guy across the street from where I reside is on his third wife....the other two died on him...

So whether he believed relationship are forever or not....he does realize they are all temporary now...

Biggest evidence that all relationships are temporary is looking back...how many relationships have you had so far?

Think clear back to high school, Up till now have you had any permanent ones?

Did you try hard to make them last? What about the other person....? Did you both succeed?

What makes you think future relationships will be different? The error I am trying to get people to correct is erroneous programming belief that relationships are forever and they are therefore needlessly greatly disappointed and crushed when they do not live up to that erroneous expectation, no matter how many times it happens they still cling to it....

They like to hang on to the fairy tale....they do not like to hear or deal with reality as I spelled it out for them..

So whenever I did the "all relationships are temporary thing" in my classes I always had some very upset people. They just did not want to hear that.

Once you get that reality thru your head, however, you are not wiped out when a relationship ends.

All relationships are great while they last, sure, but you have a "demand" that they last forever or they were not any good.

Thinking back you graduated from high school, it was great while it lasted, but it ended. You maybe tried to extend it but there was no way. So you accepted it was over.

Here...One of you likely "graduated" (outgrew) the relationship.

One of the high-test suicide rates is the day when people graduate from college. They now had this great new life ahead of them but it was unknown. What they had previously was known and comfortable and they did not want it to end and it did..

That is the way with relationships. It was not perfect but it was a known quantity and comfortable.

and you have to give that up involuntarily for the unknown which is scary.

Even though what lies ahead may be far better, you are bitter you are forced to move on. How could they do this to me?

This all boils down to a thing called expectations and demands that is a concept that if you can get thru your head and accepted will change your life.

You expected and "demanded" that your marriage last forever, and it did not.

Result, your life is "ruined". You are absolutely crushed.

If your programming had been changed to I have no "demands" in life, I only have expectations, the result is entirely different.

I expect my marriage to last forever, but if it doesn't, that's okay, it was great while it lasted. How it affects you is completely changed.

If I have the "demand" that Junior gets all A's in school and he gets "B's" my day is ruined and I ruin Juniors too.

The changing your demands to expectations concept as I said will change your life and those around you. It probably takes a book to get this change made and maybe not even then.

At least you are now aware of it and it is a "life change" option that now would be a great time to put into practice to where it becomes an automatic part of your life.

The formula: ....... you give up on having "demands"...

So from here on in your new life (the one where you are completely in charge for the first time) from here on you have only "expectations", you have given up on "demands."

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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

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If you have a friend going thru divorce please e-mail this issue to them.

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Join others in the divorce process in our chat board, post room "Talk It Out Therapy" is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost. http://www.singlestalkshop.com

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #65, 12/13/05

Happy holidays, especially to all of you that are still affected by your divorce and to those of you of who have just realized that the part of your life that is considered "what was" is over. That it is already time to get started with a new and better life and are now concentrating on the "gonna bes." That was a tongue twister, and we have tried to help along the way.

To stay in the Christmas spirit, here is our annual Christmas story, Go here

Been a little difficult to keep up, with my usual businesses and publishing as well as web sites, you need to know I am now 77, (not an excuse) and was diagnosed with Diabetes about eight months ago.

Diabetes cut my life expectancy in half, and I was not and am still not ready for that, I have a lot of work to do yet.

Since I have always been a "problem solver" (Divorce was a big problem (2) for me as you know) I set out to research and find a solution to what the Doctors tell you is incurable and all you can do is postpone (delay a little) the complications such as blindness, loss of feet and hands, kidneys, from nerve damage everywhere etc and that 80% die prematurely of circulatory and heart related illness.

Took me over 7 months, over 40 books, perussing hundreds of medical studies on Diabetes and neuropathy, (I have neuropathy as a result of the diabetes) (foot problems) (almost cured it however).

In my mind (my view) I have solved on how I should handle Diabetes and neuropathy to get back to where I was. I am now off all medication and well on the way to being out of it... (Lost 46 pounds to date)

You may have diabetes, have a friend who has diabetes (type 2) or someone who is obese and is in danger of becoming a diabetic. I have worked out that diabetes and obesity are twin symptoms (not the real disease) (just dual symptoms of the real cause) and are caused, reversed. cured and prevented by understanding the cause and doing what is necessary to stop it.

Here is the web address http://diabetescure101.com You may want to subscribe to the newspaper version, (we need subscribers). Be sure and read the article The real cause, and remember that the web site is not finished yet. There are some unwritten pages but will get to them soon as I can.

This well may sound like a diabetes newsletter but believe me I still write a divorce newsletter and still consider it very important.

Want you to know that I have not forgotten you and am merely trying to work to fix my diabetes (medical community will not) so that I might be able to stay around longer to do another ten years worth.

Once again, all the best to you for the Holidays and in your new life and in the New Year.

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Here is a news release I received just before press time so I pass it on to you.

Research studies on separating, divorcing or divorced families. Are you dealing with divorce or separation? Are you a parent with a child or children under 18? Inflexxion, Inc is looking for participants for studies researching how families adjust to divorce and separation. The studies are funded by the National Institutes of Health and can be completed from your home. Each family could earn between $160 to $195 for 4 - 6 hours of time. See our website at http://www.divorcestudies.com Contact us at 1-800-848-3895 X290 or email divorce@inflexxion.com

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #64, 11/06/05

When Does It Get Better?

For those currently in the "shock" stage, "is this really happening to me" start of the process, it seems at the time that it will always be like this. There is sort of a time distortion that makes it seem like it is taking forever and will never get better.

Some writers on the subject come up with a long list of stages you go thru. The only problem I see with that is we do not all go thru them in the same order.

Most who have gone thru the painful process and are now on the other side of the pain often do not want to even talk about it. It was a bad part of their life and they would just as soon forget that it ever happened and nearly wiped them out.

They are now past all that and do not want to even be reminded of it.

Just be assured you are not alone. No matter how intelligent you are, how many degrees you have, how powerful you are in the business or political world, divorce is going to hit you just as hard.

At the time you are going thru it you often honestly believe you have been going thru he worlds most difficult divorce.

We all have our story about how bad our divorce was but here are two examples that I recall from my classes. there were many but these two I happen to remember.

One had tried everything to save the marriage and had finally gotten the spouse to go to a marriage counselor. Shortly thereafter it was discovered the spouse was now making out with the marriage counselor.

Another story that stood out was an unsuspecting husband who lived in a trailer home in a nice trailer park. He kissed his wife goodbye and said goodbye at the door to his kids and rode off on the motorcycle to work so she could use the car.

Returning home that night he found the wife and kids gone, the car gone, the trailer home gone, (been moved) and a note pinned to the slab that says, John, I have decided to leave you, will be filing for divorce. It is not working out. Will contact you about where to pick up your stuff later.

This is an example of what I would call the "divorce shock" stage.

Apparently she did not want to go thru a big 'splitting' up scene so she took the easy way out.

Hardly ever does the leavor "leave right". Apparently they often do what is less painful for them but leaves the leavee in shambles.

Sure they feel guilty about it but just are not knowledgeable about how to end a relationship with the least amount of pain for both.

Once they have decided to leave, they have a problem in that you (they believe) are not going to accept it and are going to be a constant never ending hassle to try to keep them from ending the relationship.

If they leave the way they did they feel you will be forced to accept and admit even to yourself that it is over and realize it is truly over and get on with life. and....not make their life miserable for months trying to put it back together.

So maybe they did you a favor. Instead of cutting off the dogs tail a little bit at a time so it "does not hurt so much" they used a meat cleaver and it is over.

Sure, I know no matter how they leave, it is tough to handle. Even if you applauded when they left, it is still hard to handle. You still go thru many of the stages and it is going to affect you for some time.

Do not think the leavor got thru this without the pain. Their advantage is they had decided to leave long ago and have had months to get used to the idea and work thru much of this 'processing the concept" before they left.

Many ask how come my ex is getting on with life so soon and so much better in adjusting then I am. That is the answer.

They are six months along in their parting adjustment. You are still in "surprise" shock.

Six months from now, you will be where in the adjustment phase they are now..

Where Do You Go From Here?

We talk about how to make lemonade when life gives you lemons, there are road maps and recipes in our divorce site http://divorcerecovery101.com

You can even read thru past newsletter issues that may be a better fit for where you are right now in the process. Go here: http://divorcerecovery101.com/divorce_newsletter_archive.html

It really helps you to work thru the process to be able to talk about your divorce with and to others, what you are experiencing. Go to: http://singlestalkshop.com

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #63, 9/23/05

Fish Out of Water????

After being married for several years it is perfectly normal for you to feel very uncomfortable living life as a suddenly "single person", and indeed you very well may feel like a fish out of water.

If is also perfectly normal for you to "hate" and try to avoid as much as possible anything you are not familiar with.

You try everything in the book to get back to the familiar comfort of the known life, including an all out search for a replacement. (spouse that is)

Life as a married person was what we call on "automatic". You just went about your familiar life without really having to think about it. Everything just sort of came down the road in a familiar pattern and just sort of "flowed", (disregarding the coming apart turmoil there towards the last)

Becoming suddenly single and being all on your own is scary, can you survive?

We tell you that this becoming suddenly single is a lot like being dumped off in some foreign country and being told, "get used to it," you are likely going to live here for years and maybe even the rest of your life.

You do not know any natives, you do not know the customs or what is expected of you to get along here. You do not even know the language, (jargon) of living in single land.

Your old long term life married as we said was automatic. We use this term for anything or activity your subconscious has taken over running. Our examples are learning and driving a car, and things like learning to play a piano to any degree. A real hassle getting it all down and done right, with over and over repetition, it is not very long before you can drive down the road, listen to the radio, read the advertising signs along the road and talk to a friend all at the same time.

This is because the driving has been taken over by your subconscious and is on "automatic".

What was a strain in learning to play the piano is now fun. Now you just do it and enjoy it, you do not even have to think about it while you are playing it, . it is now on automatic.

Right now you are just on "practice" being single. the more you practice, get good feed back from a teacher, (an experienced successful single) the more successful your single life will become. and........

You will become comfortable in your new "foreign country" and may like it so well you see no need to ever hurry back to the old country.

Your new life will soon be on automatic and you can enjoy it now without that initial stress and hassle of getting on with learning how to live here and fit In...

Now to be successful and happy here you need to study a little and read up on it.. Learn what others have done to adopt and fit in, in a short time. The more information and education on the subject the happier your new life is likely to be.

Birds come in with a built in knowledge of how to build a nest. Human beings have none of this, they have to learn everything from those who came before them. Fortunately, you do not have to make all the same mistakes they made, you can learn from them.

Now you can choose to make all your own mistakes and learn the hard way...that is up to you. There are lots of good sources on how to lead a happy successful single life and we include hundreds of articles on the subject in our sites and it is all free and available to you 24 hours a day. There are a lot of good books at the library and the book store.

The main thing to understand is that when you went out for little league, you did not expect to hit a home run the first day. You have to go out and "practice" being single. Soon you get good at it. But remember to schedule a certain amount of "practice" each week.

Remember, you are not going to be good at it for a while. That it is expected to screw up and have bad days. That is part of your "practice" to learning how to become a successful single person..

When you go out in the world of other singles initially, go out with the idea that you are just practicing being single.

If someone asks you to do something you are not ready for, just say I am new to this being single and I do not think I am ready for "that yet", catch me later.

Right now you are like the practicing the scales on the piano... a real pain right now but once you get it down to "automatic" and your subconscious, takes over, then your single life now becomes like the piano lessons, you graduate to enjoying it".

Now you can give up on the desperate search for an opposite sex person to rescue you from this strange single land to take you back to the "familiar" known married life.

Now your relationship with the opposite sex is if it works and adds to your new life, is count me in. If it does not....who needs it.

This is all learned and is the subject of our dating again 101 web site. You might subscribe to that newsletter also.

Remember, everything you have done before many times feels comfortable and right". Anything new and for the first time feels a little "uncomfortable which does not mean there is anything wrong with it or should be avoided, it just means it is "new to you" and you need to go thru this stressful unfamiliar feelings and soon it will be comfortable and enjoyable familiar old stuff.

So go out where other singles are, get acquainted with others getting in practice being single, always ask them "what works for you" etc. Make notes, go some of the places they go, try some of the things they do and enjoy and just get out there and expand your 'comfort zone."

Do not expect to be good at it, just keep practicing...soon you will be good at it and have success and a happy new life with a whole support system of a new single "family" and friends.

Learn to make decisions on your own and as a happy successful single person take full responsibility for where your life is going by having sat down and figured out what would I like to have happen here in Act Two...with you being the director for the first time...

This time your parents are not planning your life, your spouse is not deciding what you do or what direction you go....you do...

One year from now.....if your new life is not working you wont be able to blame your parents, You wont be able to blame your spouse... Only you.....

Are you a grown up mature person now able to run your own life?

A year from now...you also get all the credit for all the wonderful new changes you have made in your life.

Lets get right to work on the "gonna bes".

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Chat with other singles going thru the process, at our http://www.singlestalkshop.com Ask them what works. Share what works for you. Open 24 hours a day, no charge, no signing up or no other requirements. Just be there.

Until next issue,
Harlan

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #62, 8/15/05

Turns out I could not decide whether the following message was more important to send to our Dating Again 101 newsletter or to my Divorce Recovery 101 newsletter subscribers.

Decided it was important for both so I am sending it to both.

Now a lot of our readers get both newsletters so some of you will have duplicates. Send one of them off to a friend either new to getting back into dating and dealing with people again, or someone who is struggling with their divorce.

and/or just read it the second time and/or just delete the extra one.... Thanks.

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Up until now you have likely looked on life as if you were a guest in this world.

You have still been waiting for others "to do it for you". Your happiness or unhappiness was and still is determined or controlled by the action or inaction of others

You have always wanted the world out there to give you accolades and make you the center of attention and importance. To make your life exciting and desire that all these people in contact with you and you know (or at least one) to really "do it for you".

Likely that philosophy did not really work for you before and likely since you became suddenly single, it is not working for you now.

Therefore today, we are going to tell you to upset your traditional life apple cart of expectations and demands..

If something is not working for you, they say insane people keep doing the same thing still expecting a different result.

You know better, so if what you have been doing and your life is not working, seriously look at the idea that maybe you should stop doing what you have been doing and taking a new direction.

Your success and overall happiness in the next part of your life will be primarily dependant on your interaction and relationship with other people.

This is the "tied to dating" part of this... how you deal and interact with other people. Recovering from divorce will be determined in a part on you getting a new support system of friends.

We tell you that when you do get your life working with the right interaction formula you will have all sorts of people that want to bask in the happiness sunshine of a relationship with you.

They will flock around and your job then will be to sort the wheat from the chaff...pick only those that add to your life as part of your inner circle.

That comes later of course but only if you get this down to where what we are teaching today becomes "automatic".

To get them all flocking your way so you can sort, and pick and choose, needs a basic change of life and how you relate to people.

Right now, others may look at their connection or contacts with you as similar with the contact and relationship of a dill pickle.

You learn here to treat everyone the same...not just those that you are interested in or can do you some good. Your new program on interacting with people will not only change you, it will give you the ability to change everyone you come in contact with every day for the rest of your life.

You sort only when you have too many people to keep up with and are overwhelmed.

So here we are not dealing today on how to shape up the world of people out there sorting those you like and are luke warm about and getting the "chosen" to relate to you in the way you want.

Nor are we telling you how to sort which people to treat a certain way to attract them to you.

We want to get your life on automatic to treat everyone this new way confident that in your doing so to everyone, a new happy life will flow back to you from all directions, you do not try to pre determine by whom or when or why or from what direction..

This a basic life change for you that will become an "automatic" part of you.

You will have to really work at this on manual "without fail" for 21 days.

On manual we mean you have to think about this consciously and expend effort to do it and get it right.

Like learning to drive a car....it was a real strain until you got it in your brain and on mental "automatic"... now you drive down the road happily without even thinking about it and expend very little effort to do so.

After that 21 one days of manual effort of getting yourself doing this, it will go on automatically with little of no conscious effort thereafter on your part.

You wont even have to think about it, it will just happen as after 21 days it has become a part of the "new you".

You life will be changed and those who come in contact with you, their lives will be changed.

This is the point, that if I was selling a book I would ask that you send in your $21.95 plus shipping and handling and we will send you the book on "how to do it."

Then ask that you wait by your mailbox.

Good news...

No waiting,

no $21.95 plus...

Here it is... http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/gift.htm

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                      M O R E
We talk about your new life at length in our articles and archives at our web sites.

Try http://www.divorcerecovery101.com and many others you will find linked there.

You will also find "questions and answers" on Divorce 101 lower right column link, and throw in your questions and concerns and you will get a fast response.

Also try our http://www.singlestalkshop.com where singles chat about single life.

Subscribe to our Free Divorce Recovery Newsletter, by sending a blank email to: divorce_recov-@topica.com

Subscribe to our Free Dating Again Newsletter, by sending a blank email to: dating_agai-@topica.com

If you would like to contact Harlan directly, please do not "reply" back using this autoresponder email, but send another email with the words "Divorce" in the subject line to harlanj-@webtv.net

Copyright 2005
Harlan L. Jacobsen
Divorce Recovery 101 and Dating Again 101
2019 South Minnesota Avenue
Sioux Falls
SD 57105

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #61, 7/25/05

More on the B L O B.
To help understand the mental processes involved in recovering from divorce and moving on to a great new life we explain this comparing your mental processor to a computer and some other things going on in getting from what may be the worst time of your life to the best time of your life in less then a year.

Last issue we brought up the "blob" which we explain as a big blob of unprocessed trauma arriving in your big processing and central file room where you visualize 1000 file cabinets of information of your life experiences so far neatly filed away but now not readily available for daily use because this big unprocessed blob from your divorce is sitting there in the way.

You do dumb things and have more accidents and life is a mess with the blob in the way of getting on with and processing a normal or better life.

So we told you that to get the blob cleared away so you can get on with life, you need to "talk it out" and have your subconscious processor (the big one) hear your conscious mind talk about it. As you talk about it and it starts to make sense little bits get filed away...

You can also write your thoughts on your divorce in a journal and as your subconscious sees your conscious mind writing it or talking it out, starts to make sense of it, sort it out and file it away.

The longer the relationship lasted before splitting, the less advance notice you had and overall how traumatic it was for you will have determined the size of the "b l o b" to be cleared away.

The point of the Blob discussion is so that you understand you need to talk about your divorce even if you have to pay a counselor big bucks, or attend a divorce recovery group, talk to Aunt Lucy or anyone at all to get it talked about, processing it and have it filed away and the blob gone.

That was pretty much review on what the "blob' does to screw up your life operating normally.

Let us move on now to "fight or flight". You and all of your ancestors have built in an automatic processor that looks at what is happening and compares it with what you have from previous experience or education on the matter on file in your big file room.

If nothing similar is on file in life experience or education on the going on thing in front of you, a silent bodily alarm sounds that connects to your body and does the following in getting you ready for a fight or a flight....(run out of here)

Speeds up your heart rate, ups blood pressure, shuts down digestion process as unessential right now....cuts down amount of blood supplied to your brain saving it for "fight or flight" which may come up shortly, shuts off your immune system and other bodily functions as not near as important as this "fight or flight" that may be in the works.

Now days they call that a "stress situation" when your bodily fight or flight alarm is keyed up.

Think back now, you inherited this system because over time only your ancestors that had a good fight of flight alarm lasted long enough to have children which eventually got down to you.

Remember the alarm is turned on because your big computer found nothing on file on how to handle this, or the blob was in the way and could not get at the files.

When you are under constant alarm hours daily it takes a toll on your body and health and as far as thought processes you are not operating with a full deck..remember, diverting the life juices to your muscles. You inherited a mental computer program that gears you up for fight or flight and operates automatically.

Remember, this all new situation of your divorce and your surviving the divorce is all new and you have nothing on file from past experience to cover this so your bodily fight or flight alarm gets turned on a lot.

You can not or do not fight and you can not run (flight)

This Alarm ON a lot and not using it (not running) eventually causes some of the following.

1. Your immune system is shut down for long periods and you are much more likely to come down with a major illness.

2. Your thinking ability is short changed and you do dumb things.. (this is why we tell you to make no major life decisions during the recovery process.)

3. Your normal food digestion system now knotted up is gravely affected and you either stuff more food down to make it feel better, or stop sending food down because it feels bad like it is not working. You as a result normally either gain a lot of weight or lose a lot during this period..

4. Your heart rate and blood pressure rising put you in medical danger.

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #60, 7/18/05

How long will it take you to recover from your divorce?
HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE YOU TO CLEAR OUT THE B L O B?
The easiest way to understand one of the major things that keep you locked up with the divorce process ruining this portion of your life is to explain the BLOB.

Anything traumatic or very stressful, let's say, creates an unresolved blob in your big mental processor. Divorce is one of the most stressful and traumatic "my life is out of my control" things that will happen to you in your life time.

Visualize that your mental processor has 1000 file cabinets placed in a big circle. These file cabinets contain everything important or traumatic that has ever happened to you.

In every day life when you have something happen to you your big computer compares it to what you have on file similar, let's say in these 1000 file cabinets. When you have nothing similar or something that caused you a lot of problems in the past you try to avoid the new thing because you have nothing on file, or a bad experience with something similar so you have an alarm go off that says speed up my heart rate...shut down digestion, etc. We may need lots of energy to run.

Now comes divorce or some trauma that causes a large blob dumped right in the middle of your file room and it is not processed. It interferes with your life because you can not readily get to your life experience files. So you do crazy things or refuse to do normal things because you are "upset" (over blobbed) over your divorce etc.

This helps explain why your chances of having an accident after your divorce have tripled...why your chances of coming down with a major illness are much greater then normal etc. which we explain in other articles.

Because of the unprocessed divorce blob is screwing up normal processing action in your big mental file room.

To get your life back to normal..... you have to clear out this mental blob blocking normal processing in your big file room....

Some people clear out the divorce trauma caused blob in short order and divorce no longer affects their on going life processes.

Others take years and some few never get rid of the divorce "blob" in their big file room.

Now the formula to clear out the blob.

Your processor can not get this handled processed and cleared out until you talk it out...

Your subconscious needs to hear you talk about it....to make sense of it and figure out how to start scooping the BLOB out of here.

How long it takes to clear it out and process it and file it away with your other life experiences is mostly determined by how many times you talk about it.

Let's say you withdraw from the world and go live in a cave by yourself for a year after your divorce.

When you come out of the cave a year later you will still have almost the full blob still screwing up your life.

Back to the formula. I think in my case I had to talk about my traumatic loss of a relationship an estimated 700 times. Not sure what your figure is going to be but it will be determined in part by how traumatic the experience was.

At that time I would bring it up anytime I had any one that would stand still. They all eventually avoided me...they did not want to hear any more about it.

After a time I would only talk about it to someone who asked and eventually it was such old stuff I did not want to talk about it at all even when someone asked.. it was just no longer of any consequence, it was ancient history.

The blob was gone and filed away neatly in my 1000 file cabinets of life experiences.

I had surpassed my estimated 700 talk about it times and the blob was gone.

Who do you talk it out..with? that is the problem. You go to your mother and she cuts you off with, "I will have you know we have never had a divorce in this family".

You need to understand that it really does not matter who you talk it out with. However....a pro counselor knows how to listen and knows that is what you need to do.

So you go to a counselor and pay $50 bucks an hour and you do all the talking. The counselor says things like "I hear you saying that you feel this way about this" etc. and is not offering you advice, the counselor is just listening and keeping you talking about it..

When you get all done you say here is your $50 and you really helped a lot.

You go down to the local pub and talk to the bartender about your divorce. If he is busy he won't have time to listen.

Many cut you off, they do not want to hear about it...and who can blame them.

That is why I strongly keep suggesting you find a divorce support group. There you can talk about it and everybody listens and understands. In a good well run divorce group, the primary activity is talking about your divorce process...hearing yourself respond and talk to others about your version of divorce.

Every time you talk about it....another part of the blob starts to make sense and gets filed away.

Conclusion: Hiding out and hoping it will all go away does not work. If you have to pay for counseling to get it out and talk about it do so.

You may discover you have some old blobs left over from previous traumatic events that are also still in the way of getting a normal life.

Every bit of talking them out will contribute to your getting your life back and get the blobs worked down and filed harmlessly out of the way.

(in addition to talking it out...keeping a journal where you write down and enter your thoughts each day about your divorce, will also work well. Hearing yourself talking it out or seeing yourself writing out your thoughts on your divorce in a journal will work as well and doing both is a good plan to speed up the process.)

Good bye B L O B. Hello new second chance at life

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #59, 6/11/05

Why Divorce is Common and Why You Are So Upset By The End Of a Marriage.

Two sentences. Explain it.

Expectations exceed performance.

Your marriage programming is obsolete (left over from another time).

Erroneous Programming (beliefs) you have about Marriage that You expected your spouse to live up to.

1. Marriage vows are "forever".

Erroneous. 150 years ago life expectancy was below the forties.

One or both usually died before you had been married 15 years. Life expectancy now is if you were married at 20 "forever' is 65 years married.

Now if you were married ten years one or the other re-evaluates...do I really want to spend 55 more years with this person? Probably not, better check my options.

The average person moves (changes homes) now every seven years. Their needs, interests, and life now grows at an accelerated rate and "what was" this home no longer fits.

In marriage odds are "what was" at the time of marriage no longer "is" seven years later and one or the other "graduates" from the starter marriage and like the home, is no longer comfortable there, and decides they need to move. When the opportunity presents itself, they move.

In fact we just checked and the latest figures show that the average marriage now ends after seven years. Just like moving because the house no longer fits your needs, one or both out grew the marriage and move on.

She used to need him to support her and the inevitable children that resulted from sex -marriage, (before the pill). He needed someone to cook for him and mend his clothes, take care of the chickens and tend the garden etc...

They overcame obstacles together, got through the winter and built strength in the relationship.

Now all they do together is watch tv.

Now she does not need him to support her. She often makes more money then he does.

He has plenty of ability and opportunity to obtain as good or better meals and does not "need her to survive" just fine thank you.

One or the other decides life would be better outside the marriage often after processing the idea for two years.

The "left" person is initially in shock but after two years (of their processing it) (after Divorce) eventually reaches the same conclusion.

The problem is they do not reach the same conclusion at the same time.

There is no "right way" to leave that the leavor knows about. Once decided by one spouse they normally do not immediately leave.

They often hang around indefinitely (sometimes for years or never leave) unless opportunity presents itself or they are able to test the market as to what the possibilities for improvement are (trade up) and to test their marketability.

They stay married in the meantime, because like "bad breath" is better than no breath at all.

That you are entitled and morally obligated to punish your ex for leaving your marriage, by using any method possible including using your children as "weapons" no matter what damage it does to you and the children.

This is all part of "they did not have my permission" or give me notice to "drop out or graduate from my marriage, they did not "leave right" therefore I will see that this evil person has to pay a "price".

This freezes the punisher in time (until they give up on the punishment project) (sometimes for years) and they shoot themselves in the foot.

This badly affects the children's view on their future marriage and/or relationships as well as damaging their normal life time relationship with one